Since my SCA episode happened January 17, 2016. I have outwardly seemed to be doing extremely well. My doctors tell me I am doing well, I feel decent and everyone loves to tell me how "good" I look. Inside, I continue to battle depression - that feeling of why did I not just go ahead and die? I mean it seemed like an easy way to leave this world as opposed to so many people I have watched die a slow painful death from cancer or other medical issues. Did I just set myself up to die one of these deaths in 10 years?
I see so many people here and other forums that seem to have had some life changing epitome that they have channeled into campaigns to raise money, buy AEDs or whatever. I just can't get motivated.. I feel somewhat isolated because I never talk about what happened anymore. I don't want to talk about what happened anymore. I know my wife was sick of hearing about it and I don't want to make friends uncomfortable discussing it. Even though my daughter is now a grown woman, she does not need to know her dad is a medical mess or more a mental medical mess.
I just feel like I should care more. I feel like I really secretly long for another episode that will quietly and peacefully take me out VS another 10-30 years of what I don't know. I guess what I am looking for here is someone, anyone that has these same thoughts/feelings. I surely am not the only one that feels this way, but if not, I can't find any.