Posted by cray410 on 03/01/2017

Since my SCA episode happened January 17, 2016. I have outwardly seemed to be doing extremely well. My doctors tell me I am doing well, I feel decent and everyone loves to tell me how "good" I look. Inside, I continue to battle depression - that feeling of why did I not just go ahead and die? I mean it seemed like an easy way to leave this world as opposed to so many people I have watched die a slow painful death from cancer or other medical issues. Did I just set myself up to die one of these deaths in 10 years?

I see so many people here and other forums that seem to have had some life changing epitome that they have channeled into campaigns to raise money, buy AEDs or whatever. I just can't get motivated.. I feel somewhat isolated because I never talk about what happened anymore. I don't want to talk about what happened anymore. I know my wife was sick of hearing about it and I don't want to make friends uncomfortable discussing it. Even though my daughter is now a grown woman, she does not need to know her dad is a medical mess or more a mental medical mess.

I just feel like I should care more. I feel like I really secretly long for another episode that will quietly and peacefully take me out VS another 10-30 years of what I don't know. I guess what I am looking for here is someone, anyone that has these same thoughts/feelings. I surely am not the only one that feels this way, but if not, I can't find any.


Submitted by SCAFoundation on 03/01/2017


Hi Carl,

Thank you for reaching out. We are very sorry to hear of your suffering. We can say that from our experience, it takes quite some time for many survivors to address feelings of depression. Here is some information that may be helpful.

We welcome other survivors who may have had similar experiences to reach out to you in this forum.

Best wishes,


Hello Carl. While no one can fully understand your personal journey back to anything considered "normal," please know there are folks out here who have gone through similar stretches of questions that come up inside.

When new skiing students are on the mountain they are often told to "Watch out for the trees."
The unfortunate reality is, some students focus only on the trees and gravitate toward them.

In every life there will be "trees." Some big, some small.

The best advice I have received, has been to know that the "trees" will be there. However, our best course is to focus on the "Open White Space" all around us. Survival, family, loved ones, opportunity to help others and raise awareness, are many of the "Whys" I have identified in my life.

Find your "Why" Carl. Once you find yours, you'll begin to see more and more good, happy, fun, peaceful and satisfying parts of your life. As it gets easier, and it will.... I look forward to hearing about the wonders you find in your life.

Please feel free to reach out to me. Any day ...any time...

Rob Hoadley
SCA Survivor: 4.1.11